I didn’t know I was broken ’til I wanted to change.

Woke up this morning early before my family
From this dream where she was trying to show me
How a life can move from the darkness
She said to get better

It may be cliche now to say no one is perfect, but it’s true. Perfection is a social construct and in current times, we are constantly trying to define it. There isn’t a true example of perfection, and we let the word slip from our tongues with ease. Every being has it’s flaws though, or what would be deemed imperfect. Too many of us bury those flaws and only let show what society would deem good, our darkness is buried within us until it erupts and we’re forced to swallow back down our own catastrophes. We show what we want the world to see, because we’ve come to believe that anything that stems from the norm, anything from our minds, any trauma, any darkness is too personal and mustn’t be shared. The struggles of the human mind have become a touchy subject, and too much unknown. It’s hard to learn how to be a good person when you’re buried in a mass grave of lies.

This last year of my life has been huge, even if only measured in my own growth. I didn’t win the lottery or do anything that society would deem extraordinary, but for me, it’s rewarding enough to finally understand yourself. Being autistic, socialization and relationships are always a learning experience. Every person I meet in life, teaches me something about being social and building important relationships. Even a five minute conversation with a stranger may stick with me., for good or bad, perhaps I’m fixated on a word I flubbed, or perhaps the woman was rude. Maybe she was kind and let me go in front of her in the bathroom line, each of these is teaching me something. There isn’t a class, or a book that can truly prepare someone with social anxiety and autism how to exist, how to talk. There’s words of advice and personal tales but every person is different. Growing up, my parents never pushed anything on me, they kind of just let me exist to learn on my own. It worked for me as I’m not so codependent on my mother and have a great deal of independence, however, at the same time I never really learned what behavior was wrong either. I knew I could get what I wanted from meltdowns, I tried to prove points with angry words and thought this was okay. In my teens, I had many friends that took advantage of me, knowing I was desperate for friendship and had an allowance and later work money I could spoil them with. I picked up awful behaviors, negativity and shit talking the most prevalent. Inside, I felt disgusting when ill words fell from my mouth but also felt a smug sense of satisfaction when I tore others down, I was feeling things, and that’s what mattered to me, not that they were good at all. I picked up one too many bad habits and even took them out on the good people in my life. When I began dating my ex, they didn’t allow me to have many friends in my life.. I let them control me because I just wanted someone to stay in my life and not leave. I went through horrendous abuse and yet refused to escape until it was far too late. I saw myself get manipulated and through this was healthy and normal, that I just had to deal. I didn’t.

When I began dating Jackie, I started the path of self discovery that I am finishing up now. I’m in a good place, a place where I can admit I’m not perfect, I never was, I never will be and honestly, I don’t want to be. I can admit I’ve been a terrible person in the past, I’ve talked shit only to keep up reputation in a group or to appease someone else and be a lemming. Too many times I let ill words fall from my tongue just to appeal to some psychic vampire in my life. I’m an opinionated woman but I let other people’s voices drown out mine for fear of losing them. I thought the quantity of friendships defined you, not the quality. Truth is I’d rather have a couple real, honest friends than a dozen people I have to walk on eggshells for who are terrible negative influences on me. People who refuse to see their own flaws and would rather blame everyone else. I don’t want to be like that, my life is mine, and how I live and react is based on me. Sure, there are things you cannot control, but how you move and grow from these situations are what makes you a good person. I am learning every day how to be a good person, an honest person, even my meltdowns are few and far between and those are often now brought on by things no one can change. I learn from them, from my limits, and continue to grow despite them. I no longer wish to back stab or talk poorly about people, because often we are just annoyed and say something dumb we don’t mean to temporarily make ourselves feel better. Oftentimes we also judge others for the things we see and don’t like in ourselves. I have let negativity win too many times, I have been catty, I have been rude, I have taken things out on people when I shouldn’t have. I have worn masks to hide myself, but now I wish to no longer wear masks in order to appease other people. Sometimes when we get to the deeper layers of someone, we realize we don’t click anymore or that they refuse to take off their masks. We cling for far too long but you’ve got to let go. You can’t force the wrong sized puzzle piece into an image and hope it’ll stay.

Just like you can’t pick on others for what they can’t change. I read a quote on tumblr of all places that hit me, If it can’t be changed in 10 seconds, don’t say anything. It’s true, unless there is spinach in their teeth or they’re giving you an attitude, you don’t need to make comments. I’ve judged too soon, I’ve said all the wrong things but i’m learning every day that there is no perfect, and none of us have to be anyone else’s definition of perfection. Instead we should fixate on positivity, on light, on surrounding ourselves with real, honest, good people. The more light you surround yourself with, the brighter you will glow.